My new hipster neighborhood is wonderful.  There are bars and stores right down the street.  People are constantly strolling and window shopping.  I love it. It is so far from the desolate residential area I used to live in called “the suburbs.”  It’s a youthful part of Chicago that maintains the hustle and bustle of mall shopping during Christmas time without the nausea of Yuletide tunes.  However, there is a puzzling trend I have seen amongst the 20-somethings that love to crowd the sidewalks with me:  they all have a dog or a baby and I am sure that neither of which were planned.  Let’s be honest, the dog was just something cute that followed you home and the baby was someone cute that followed you home.  It’s a very subtle disparity, but I believe both are an attempt to prove to your parents that they didn’t raise a screw up and you can, indeed, live a meaningful life.

“Hey, check it out mom and dad I can afford the extra $250 deposit that my apartment charges so I can own a cat.  I’m so successful.”

I’m 24 and I willing spend that extra $250 on beer and vodka while I try and pick up guys.

“That’s your sixth can of PBR.”

“Well, I have some extra money lying around seeing as I haven’t pushed a six pound baby out of my uterus.  I can afford the fancy alcohol tonight.  In fact, consider this an ‘I’m baby-free’ celebration.  PBR’s for all.”

I don’t get this.  I don’t want a dog or a baby.  Maybe I’m just lazy, but I don’t want the responsibility.  I don’t want to have to hold something while going for an afternoon stroll.  I get frustrated enough with having to carry around a winter coat while I shop at Macy’s in January.  What is this a new fashion accessory that I am missing out on?  Just another gen-y trend that I am totally willing to miss out on like perms or pretending to like An Inconvenient Truth.  Like OMG you guys, I bet Cosmo Magazine has a story on how I think babies are the new black.  Just check the Jan edition.

Below is the list of reasons I can think of to allow a dog or a baby into my life:

I previously wrote about how I am bad at dating, flirting, and meeting men (See-Learning to Flirt) But, I have recently discovered one golden pick up line.

“I’m so wasted!”

Does it work?  I don’t know I never remember. But I know it worked for a lot of girls in my high school.  They have 3rd graders now so the evidence show that this line REALLY works!

Sometimes you don’t even have to say anything.  You can simply clumsily stumble in a crowded bar and men to talk to you.  And they say the most wonderful things to you like,

“Lets go outside and get fresh air.  That might help”

“If you’re going to puke I’ll hold your hair back.”  or

“Let me buy you another shot.”

Tell me ladies, who wouldn’t fall for a man so considerate?

Note that you don’t even have to be wasted to employ this line.  Men from all areas of the bar flock to you if you just pretend.  This line is that powerful. I think a belligerently drunken woman is the only thing that will tear men away from an afternoon football game.  A rare sight indeed is the day-drinking, sports bar going woman and men just can’t resist.

I can’t believe I have been so unaware of this lines powers.  Oh what fun Saturday night will be.

It appears as if my review of Fun.’s album Aim and Ignite was a huge hit so, I’ve decided to continue to talk about the music I love.

Let me introduce you to Jukebox the Ghost and their album Let Live and Let Ghosts.

Jukebox the Ghost

They are a D.C. based band who I discovered when they were on tour with Ben Folds.  Originally from Washington D.C. this three piece ensemble consists of  Ben Thornewill (vocals and piano), Tommy Siegel (vocals and guitar), and Jesse Kristen (Drums).  They are a pop based group who by no means take themselves seriously with lyrics like “Oh my God, if I tell him, he’ll tell her, and then she will know I like her!” and “Oh no, not a chance in hell/Yeah I’ve heard you sing but it ain’t too well.”  The album as a whole is fun, catchy, and will no doubt get stuck in your head.  More importantly, they have not cut themselves creatively short by creating a 10-track CD (I hate that.  Grow some balls, get to work, and give us 2-5 more songs.) Their 12 tracks are:

1. Good Day
2. Hold it In
3. Beady Eyes on the Horizon
4. Under My Skin
5. Miss Templetons 7000th Dream
6. Static to the Heart
7. Victoria
8. My Hearts the Same
9. Lighting Myself on Fire
10. Fire in the Sky
11. Where are the Scientists Now
12. A Matter of Time

Since the album has already been release I will refrain from doing a track by track review.  Instead I have decided to give you an album preview. Enjoy!!  (Note, If Nothing shows up click the pop out player!  I should be there)

Trendy teens and twenty somethings gather ’round as I tell you why I love those black, plastic lined frames.  Way before that hot chick’s dad on Heros donned a pair of semi-Holly specs these glasses made their debut.  And no you on the verge of 30 blog lurkers, I’m not just talking about a Weezer song.  They are retro and not 80s retro, but retro retro.  You know, before color TV retro; that malt shop going, sock hop dancing, and “I like Ike” type of retro.  Which in my eyes sure is swell.  So pull up a chair, or a carpet square depending on your age, hunker down in your fallout shelter and let me tell you why I think this fad needs to hang around.

(The Author requests that if you own a pair of Holly-Specs that you read this blog entry with them on.)

Buddy Holly

First let me define “Holly-Specs” since, this is the term I will now use in reference to these glasses.

Holly-Specs /HOL-ee SPe-ks/ noun:  Glasses consisting of large, black plastic rims.  Often containing silver dots in each corner for flare. Originated with Buddy Holly.  See Also: RayBan or 1950s High School Nerd.  (image above)

Now, why do I love this fad and why do I think it should stay around?  Really, the answer to both of these questions are the same.  Frist and foremost, these glasses are just plain fun.  I can always get behind a fashion statement that allows me to smile.  This has not been the case for recent trends like Crocs, Ugg Boots, and over-sized neon 80s plastic jewelry.   These are fashion products that come with excuses.

I know, they’re hideously ugly, but they really are comfortable.

I don’t buy it.  Anytime you need to justify why you are wearing what you are wearing you should have never put it on in the first place.  Its as bad as going out in fur or pleather- you’re always going to have to be on the fashion defensive, which makes for a long day of explaining why you spent $300 on an outfit you’re uncomfortable in.  Face it,  you’re day is doomed to failure and you should have learned a long time ago that the need to preface anything fasion statement with “I know, but” isn’t a statement.  It is a mistake.

The great thing is that Holly-Specs come excuse free.  You put them on and it is instantaneous smiles of yourself and the people around you.  Seriously, try to not have a good time when you feel like at any point you could bust out the lastest moves from American Bandstand.  Moreover, Holly-specs make you feel 12 times smarter.  Worried about sputnik or the A-bomb?  It is okay.  You have all the answers because, unlike other glasses, you don’t wear Holly-Specs to make yourself seem mature.  No, you wearing them because you need them to study.  It does not matter if you actually need them or whether or not you actually study, all that matters is that people think you do.  As an added bonus to the “I study” facade, it makes men less threatening to overprotective fathers.  Got a date?  Wear some Holly-Specs.   Dads of this generation will not believe that any man wearing the pair of glasses that the kids from his high school science club has any moves with the ladies.  SCORE!  (Literally, Score!)

Most importantly, Holly-Specs show personality.  They say that you can have fun, yet still be serious.  They are to glasses what mullets are to hair.  Except they don’t bring up thoughts of NASCAR,  trailer parks, or make you think that the domestic spouse abuser you’re wearing under you’re bud light shirt is most likely covered bbq stains on it (a sucker bet I take anytime someone wears a beer-sponsored shirt) .  Holly-specs also doesn’t have a bad ambassador like Billy Ray Cyrus. They have Buddy Holly who is eternally cool.  Come to think of it they aren’t the mullet of the glasses world.  They are just plain fantastic.

Buy a pair.  Wear them.  Make yourself happy.  It so easy to fall in love with Holly-Specs.

Note that I did not edit or proof read this blog entry for comedic effect. *

I finally made the leap into the world of online dating about 8 months ago.  My friend met her fiancee online and I thought to myself, “Well, maybe I can give it a shot.” Since I was out of date and out of a date I decided that things needed to change, PRONTO!  Armed with my wit and the best photographs that had been taken of me in the past year, I started a profile.  I thought for sure I would be considered a catch and since I don’t know how to flirt, I thought this would be so much easier to get men to talk to me.  It was.

However, the art of picking up a woman or even talking to one is completely lost on the men online.  Just because we’re online doesn’t mean you can talk about anything.  It most certainly does not give you the right to forget the art of “picking a woman up.”  You still have to approach me, make a good first impression, and generally get me to laugh.  If you wouldn’t use you’re opening e-mail line in a bar or at a party it is not going to work online.

As you can see, my general frustration with the online world is growing.  My #1 pet peeve with this is men who believe that Correcting my Grammar will get them a date.

“It’s not Jane Austin, its Jane Austen.  But, I think you’re profile is great and would like to get to know you more.  Maybe grab a drink and discuss the difference between verbs and adverbs.”

Oooohh, that one made my heart melt.  Seriously, how did you know I can’t resist a guy who points out a comma splice?  I mean it really does turn me on when you point out the difference between there and their.  Witch way to your place?  Tell me were that is and I’ll meet you their.

I know the first thing I look for when I go over to a man’s house is to make sure he has the following items on his shelf:

1) A current dictionary
2) A thesaurus
3) Their 7th grade English book

I can just imagine our first date together.  We go to dinner, you point out all the errors in the menu, I get up to go to the bathroom and then slip out the window.  After running in a dress and high heels I meet my friend Chuck for some fried chicken and beer.  I would love for someone to come up to me in a bar on Addison and open with:

“Well, you certainly look like a poor speller.”

I’d be his for the night.

I’ll put my frustration with this process aside and try and see it from the male point of view.  Okay, in 7th grade some boys might have been attracted to their English teacher and played that whole fantasy out in their heads.  But, lets be honest, it is a big leap you’re making to assume that every girl experienced this during their adolescents.  For starters you’re assuming that our English teacher was male (a long shot) and interested in both British Literature and the opposite sex (an even longer shot).  The teacher/student dynamic never really worked out for us.   Come to think of it this is probably the reason why you know you’re grammar better than me.  You paid attention in class in hopes of catching a smile from your forbidden love while I gazed lovingly across the room at Ryan Frendrich.  While in 7th grade English class you actually learned proper sentence structure,  I learned that if you as Ryan Frendrich to the dance he’ll say “No” then tell his friends, who will tell their friends, who will eventually make fun of you at the dance.

Bottom line online daters:  Correcting my grammer will not get you laid.

*By comedic effect I mean overall laziness, but figured because it was a blog about grammar I could get away with it.