Step 2: Decide that one character is dieing, about to die, or has a dead memory.

Step 3:  Have someone write a super sappy love letter.

Step 4:  Sell it to Hollywood so they’ll make a movie.  Then sit back watch women everywhere cry, walk out, or write a blog mocking your novel.

When you’re done your novel should look like this:

Ughhhhh.....Really?!

I placed rules on myself when trying to pick the best ten.
#1) Nothing “classic.”  As much as I love Sinatra and Buble, I couldn’t bring myself to have any romantic attachment to a style of music that reminds me of my father.
#2)  It can’t be a “Wedding Song” one that make all my engaged friends go, “Oh maybe I’ll have my first dance to this.” NO!  Those songs did not make my list.
#3)  Nothing I loved during high school could make the list (Nsync and John Mayer I’m looking at you).
#4)  They had to make me think about someone else.  The trend of the list indicates that pianos make me think about former loves.
#5)  I could only pick 10.  So here they are, the Top Ten Songs that Make You Realize You’re Alone.

Well those are the rules so download these songs to your iPod, build a fire, curl up under a blanket, grab some Ben and Jerry’s and press play.

Top Ten Songs That Make You Realize You’re Alone

1. Gardenia, Mandy Moore
   Best Lyric: Doing all the Things I’ve neglected, Traded them all to be in your arms.
2. Songbird, Eva Cassidy
   Best Lyric:  Cause I feel that when I’m with you, It’s alright, I know it’s right.
3. 9 Crimes, Damien Rice
   Best Lyric:  Its the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you.
4. A Simple Twist of Fate, The Format cover of Bob Dylan
   Best Lryic:  Maybe she’ll pick him out again, how long must he wait, once more for a simple twist of fate.
5. Wasteland, Matt White
   Best Lyric:  All Alone, where are you, are we over?
6. Fear You Wont Fall, Josh Radin
   Best Lryic:  I know it’s easy to say, but it’s harder to feel this way.
7. Miss Me, Joe Purdy
   Best Lyric:  I guess something don’t work out like they should.
8. By Your Side, Sade
   Best Lyric:  Oh when you’re cold, I’ll be there to hold you tight
9. Sad Eyes, Josh Rouse
   Best Lyric:  You’re staying out till late ’cause it was what your husband hated
10. Feels Like Home, Chantal Kreviazuk
    Best Lyric: Well if you knew how much this moment means to me and how long I’ve waited for your touch.

Nothing like a blog with two numbered lists.  Awesome.

PS- feel free to debate me or add your own.

22 Things We’ll Teach Our Sons About Women And Relationships
by Annika Harris and Cardboard Baby

We’re not mothers yet, but we’re almost at a point in our lives when we’re thinking about our future families. We know an awful lot about women and how to treat and please ‘em, so we plan to pass that knowledge down to our sons. We hope to rid the male sex of all the things that make us rant by raising boys with balanced male and a female perspectives. Check out the list after the jump, then leave your lessons in the comments.

Note: This is the image used in orginal publication. So please, imagine yourself teaching your 4 year old son these lessons.

What Our Sons Should Know About Women

1. Pick your battles.
2. Going down is more intimate better than sex, but it shouldn’t be scary.
3. Walk on the outside (closer to the street) of your female companion if you were born in the 1890s. If not, just hold her hand when you walk.
4. Saying “You’re being crazy” is never an appropriate response, unless you want her to go postal on you.
5. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids are things men can actually do  as well as women. adequately and we women will tolerate you doing when we need a rest.
6. Keep backup supplies of quality chocolate in the house for when she’s on the rag. -ALWAYS.
7. Buying tampons and other feminine products shouldn’t embarrass you—everyone knows they’re not for you.  In fact, it tells everyone in the store that you have a woman and you are in fact “getting some.”
8. Women like compliments and gifts and snuggling.
9. Earning less than her shouldn’t be emasculating.
9a. Define the word “emasculating” for your son.
10. Your legs really don’t need to be open that wide. This applies to both a) when you’re going commando and b) when you’re in the bedroom.
10a.  Never be more flexible than your woman in the bedroom, that is creepy.
11. Be on time, even if she usually isn’t. This is a good rule for both genders.
12. Don’t be a pouty puppy when shopping with her.
12a. Define pouty puppy. Then never use that phrase again when trying to enlighten your son on the complexities of women.
13. She should never be able to control you with sex. However, she should be allowed some control during sex.
14. Find out what her favorite flower is. and buy it for her
15. If you like her, then don’t buy her shoes; it’s bad luck. (Cardboard Baby Sidebar: WHAT?! )
16. Smiling and nodding aren’t the same as listening.
16a.  Women often repeat things because we feel that smiling and nodding aren’t the same as listening. Did you hear me son?
17. Skid marks aren’t sexy or hygienic. (This should never have to be stated out loud.  I file it under “given.”)
18. It’s OK to cry in front of her, but keep the blubbering to a minimum.
19. Personality goes a long way.  It might take longer for her to date you based purely on your personality, but once she does it really goes a long way.
20. At some point she’ll be more important than your mother.
21. You will never completely understand women because we change our minds all the time.  Including the things we’d like to put on this list.
22. Oh yeah, and no woman will ever be good enough for my baby!

My love, my current boyfriend, and the very thing that motivates me in this world.

I signed my life away for cake.

I signed the ability to wake up in the morning without being sore for cake.

I signed my livelihood, and by this I mean the ability of me to walk around in public without looking disheveled, sweaty, and tired away for cake.

I signed up to burn 35000 calories in 100 days- that’s 10 pounds of body fat- and I did it all so I can eat cake.

I blame my “gym” and I put “gym” in quotation marks because it’s the place I work at and never the place I work out at.  However, this changed the last week in September when  they announced the big “Burn 35000 calories in 100 days campaign.”  The slogan, ‘Start the New Year off with a Different Resolution’ hit me so hard I almost dropped my cupcake.  It was like the intimidating chart they put up to track your calories knew me.  It knew that come January my resolution would have been “lose 10 pounds.”

“Make your 2010 Resolution be to read more!”

It knew that I feared going home over the holidays, leaving, and having people say behind my back, “Well, she really got fat.”

“You’ll work off eggnog as you drink it.”

It knew that I liked to eat cake.

“Put down the cupcake and work out.”

I signed up immediately, leaving a hunk of chocolate frosting next to my scribbled name.  The surprising thiing is that thus far, I’m doing it.  From October 1- January 8, I need to burn 35000 calories.  Now I go to work, I workout, and write my calories on a giant public board that holds me accountable in that “if you don’t do this, everyone will see a giant blank space after your name” type of way.

Right now, I’m 750 calories in, 95 days to go, and I’m saving that hunk of frosting by my name for when I finish.

You should join me.  It will be fantastic.  Keep track of your calories and burn 10 pounds of body fat by January 8th.  I offer my blog as a calorie log.  We can do it, just find something that motivates you: a healthy lifestyle, the desire to change, or simply weight loss.    For me, I just want to eat cake.

60 year old men from Europe play hipster music from the early 1990s and tell Americans why the United States is horrible and ruining the world. Tickets were overpriced and Bono wore sunglasses.*

Imagine a picture of Bono Here. We at CardboardBaby cannot bring ourselves to actually put a picture on Bono on our bolg.

*Note: Author never attended U2 concert but is basing review of off what she imagines a U2 concert to be like. Feedback suggests that this review/summary is spot on.

“Hey, check it out mom and dad I can afford the extra $250 deposit that my apartment charges so I can own a cat.  I’m so successful.”

I’m 24 and I willing spend that extra $250 on beer and vodka while I try and pick up guys.

“That’s your sixth can of PBR.”

“Well, I have some extra money lying around seeing as I haven’t pushed a six pound baby out of my uterus.  I can afford the fancy alcohol tonight.  In fact, consider this an ‘I’m baby-free’ celebration.  PBR’s for all.”

I don’t get this.  I don’t want a dog or a baby.  Maybe I’m just lazy, but I don’t want the responsibility.  I don’t want to have to hold something while going for an afternoon stroll.  I get frustrated enough with having to carry around a winter coat while I shop at Macy’s in January.  What is this a new fashion accessory that I am missing out on?  Just another gen-y trend that I am totally willing to miss out on like perms or pretending to like An Inconvenient Truth.  Like OMG you guys, I bet Cosmo Magazine has a story on how I think babies are the new black.  Just check the Jan edition.

Below is the list of reasons I can think of to allow a dog or a baby into my life:

“I’m so wasted!”

Does it work?  I don’t know I never remember. But I know it worked for a lot of girls in my high school.  They have 3rd graders now so the evidence show that this line REALLY works!

Sometimes you don’t even have to say anything.  You can simply clumsily stumble in a crowded bar and men to talk to you.  And they say the most wonderful things to you like,

“Lets go outside and get fresh air.  That might help”

“If you’re going to puke I’ll hold your hair back.”  or

“Let me buy you another shot.”

Tell me ladies, who wouldn’t fall for a man so considerate?

Note that you don’t even have to be wasted to employ this line.  Men from all areas of the bar flock to you if you just pretend.  This line is that powerful. I think a belligerently drunken woman is the only thing that will tear men away from an afternoon football game.  A rare sight indeed is the day-drinking, sports bar going woman and men just can’t resist.

I can’t believe I have been so unaware of this lines powers.  Oh what fun Saturday night will be.

Let me introduce you to Jukebox the Ghost and their album Let Live and Let Ghosts.

Jukebox the Ghost

They are a D.C. based band who I discovered when they were on tour with Ben Folds.  Originally from Washington D.C. this three piece ensemble consists of  Ben Thornewill (vocals and piano), Tommy Siegel (vocals and guitar), and Jesse Kristen (Drums).  They are a pop based group who by no means take themselves seriously with lyrics like “Oh my God, if I tell him, he’ll tell her, and then she will know I like her!” and “Oh no, not a chance in hell/Yeah I’ve heard you sing but it ain’t too well.”  The album as a whole is fun, catchy, and will no doubt get stuck in your head.  More importantly, they have not cut themselves creatively short by creating a 10-track CD (I hate that.  Grow some balls, get to work, and give us 2-5 more songs.) Their 12 tracks are:

1. Good Day
2. Hold it In
3. Beady Eyes on the Horizon
4. Under My Skin
5. Miss Templetons 7000th Dream
6. Static to the Heart
7. Victoria
8. My Hearts the Same
9. Lighting Myself on Fire
10. Fire in the Sky
11. Where are the Scientists Now
12. A Matter of Time

Since the album has already been release I will refrain from doing a track by track review.  Instead I have decided to give you an album preview. Enjoy!!  (Note, If Nothing shows up click the pop out player!  I should be there)

(The Author requests that if you own a pair of Holly-Specs that you read this blog entry with them on.)

Buddy Holly

First let me define “Holly-Specs” since, this is the term I will now use in reference to these glasses.

Holly-Specs /HOL-ee SPe-ks/ noun:  Glasses consisting of large, black plastic rims.  Often containing silver dots in each corner for flare. Originated with Buddy Holly.  See Also: RayBan or 1950s High School Nerd.  (image above)

Now, why do I love this fad and why do I think it should stay around?  Really, the answer to both of these questions are the same.  Frist and foremost, these glasses are just plain fun.  I can always get behind a fashion statement that allows me to smile.  This has not been the case for recent trends like Crocs, Ugg Boots, and over-sized neon 80s plastic jewelry.   These are fashion products that come with excuses.

I know, they’re hideously ugly, but they really are comfortable.

I don’t buy it.  Anytime you need to justify why you are wearing what you are wearing you should have never put it on in the first place.  Its as bad as going out in fur or pleather- you’re always going to have to be on the fashion defensive, which makes for a long day of explaining why you spent $300 on an outfit you’re uncomfortable in.  Face it,  you’re day is doomed to failure and you should have learned a long time ago that the need to preface anything fasion statement with “I know, but” isn’t a statement.  It is a mistake.

The great thing is that Holly-Specs come excuse free.  You put them on and it is instantaneous smiles of yourself and the people around you.  Seriously, try to not have a good time when you feel like at any point you could bust out the lastest moves from American Bandstand.  Moreover, Holly-specs make you feel 12 times smarter.  Worried about sputnik or the A-bomb?  It is okay.  You have all the answers because, unlike other glasses, you don’t wear Holly-Specs to make yourself seem mature.  No, you wearing them because you need them to study.  It does not matter if you actually need them or whether or not you actually study, all that matters is that people think you do.  As an added bonus to the “I study” facade, it makes men less threatening to overprotective fathers.  Got a date?  Wear some Holly-Specs.   Dads of this generation will not believe that any man wearing the pair of glasses that the kids from his high school science club has any moves with the ladies.  SCORE!  (Literally, Score!)

Most importantly, Holly-Specs show personality.  They say that you can have fun, yet still be serious.  They are to glasses what mullets are to hair.  Except they don’t bring up thoughts of NASCAR,  trailer parks, or make you think that the domestic spouse abuser you’re wearing under you’re bud light shirt is most likely covered bbq stains on it (a sucker bet I take anytime someone wears a beer-sponsored shirt) .  Holly-specs also doesn’t have a bad ambassador like Billy Ray Cyrus. They have Buddy Holly who is eternally cool.  Come to think of it they aren’t the mullet of the glasses world.  They are just plain fantastic.

Buy a pair.  Wear them.  Make yourself happy.  It so easy to fall in love with Holly-Specs.

I finally made the leap into the world of online dating about 8 months ago.  My friend met her fiancee online and I thought to myself, “Well, maybe I can give it a shot.” Since I was out of date and out of a date I decided that things needed to change, PRONTO!  Armed with my wit and the best photographs that had been taken of me in the past year, I started a profile.  I thought for sure I would be considered a catch and since I don’t know how to flirt, I thought this would be so much easier to get men to talk to me.  It was.

However, the art of picking up a woman or even talking to one is completely lost on the men online.  Just because we’re online doesn’t mean you can talk about anything.  It most certainly does not give you the right to forget the art of “picking a woman up.”  You still have to approach me, make a good first impression, and generally get me to laugh.  If you wouldn’t use you’re opening e-mail line in a bar or at a party it is not going to work online.

As you can see, my general frustration with the online world is growing.  My #1 pet peeve with this is men who believe that Correcting my Grammar will get them a date.

“It’s not Jane Austin, its Jane Austen.  But, I think you’re profile is great and would like to get to know you more.  Maybe grab a drink and discuss the difference between verbs and adverbs.”

Oooohh, that one made my heart melt.  Seriously, how did you know I can’t resist a guy who points out a comma splice?  I mean it really does turn me on when you point out the difference between there and their.  Witch way to your place?  Tell me were that is and I’ll meet you their.

I know the first thing I look for when I go over to a man’s house is to make sure he has the following items on his shelf:

1) A current dictionary
2) A thesaurus
3) Their 7th grade English book

I can just imagine our first date together.  We go to dinner, you point out all the errors in the menu, I get up to go to the bathroom and then slip out the window.  After running in a dress and high heels I meet my friend Chuck for some fried chicken and beer.  I would love for someone to come up to me in a bar on Addison and open with:

“Well, you certainly look like a poor speller.”

I’d be his for the night.

I’ll put my frustration with this process aside and try and see it from the male point of view.  Okay, in 7th grade some boys might have been attracted to their English teacher and played that whole fantasy out in their heads.  But, lets be honest, it is a big leap you’re making to assume that every girl experienced this during their adolescents.  For starters you’re assuming that our English teacher was male (a long shot) and interested in both British Literature and the opposite sex (an even longer shot).  The teacher/student dynamic never really worked out for us.   Come to think of it this is probably the reason why you know you’re grammar better than me.  You paid attention in class in hopes of catching a smile from your forbidden love while I gazed lovingly across the room at Ryan Frendrich.  While in 7th grade English class you actually learned proper sentence structure,  I learned that if you as Ryan Frendrich to the dance he’ll say “No” then tell his friends, who will tell their friends, who will eventually make fun of you at the dance.

Bottom line online daters:  Correcting my grammer will not get you laid.

*By comedic effect I mean overall laziness, but figured because it was a blog about grammar I could get away with it.